More times than not my blogs are sporadic because I want to make sure that every word I type has a meaning, purpose, and leads to some great conclusion. When I do not sit down and write and the words just fall out and onto the screen, I tend to doubt what I "feel" I am supposed to write about. Doubting that I know enough, that I have all the information, or did God really lay this on my heart, or is it just something I wanted to write about? When you know you have dedicated readers who comment, share and wait for you to post a new blog you want to make sure your content is exactly what God laid on your heart, that they are his words, and you were just the vessel that placed them there.
Well sometimes, like today I knew I wanted to blog something. I knew I had something to write in hopes you would enjoy it or, get something out of it. But, as I grabbed my usual items, bible, highlighters, phone, notebook, and my books that I "felt" I wanted to use for the grand information I drew a blank. I stepped away to do laundry, have some coffee, talk with my daughter, even letting the dogs out and still nothing came to me regarding what I wanted to write. Then I received this text message from my husband. Do you know the kind that makes you smile and feel warm all over and loved? Well, I received one of those. Before I share let me tell you I married a man that calls me beautiful, baby, and lover like it's my name. So, I received this message from him, he's a keeper!
"Good morning lover.
I just want to say how appreciative I am of you. NEVER, and again I repeat NEVER, has someone given themselves to me as you have. I have to humbly apologize to you for not being thankful enough. And just taking that for granted. You have beyond been the best thing in my life. I vow to be a better man, a better husband, and a better leader. You have shown me that your love goes over the top. I have to show you that same love. I don’t want the things you do for me to go unnoticed. I love you to have a blessed day."
This one message, one moment changed what I was going to blog about today. It is no secret that my husband and I are not the first spouses for each other. We have lived! We have lived in the church, we have lived in the world. We have had bad marriages and terrible marriages. Therefore, we are very well aware when something is good, great, or even imperfectly perfect. I mean we do have a HUGE blended family, so our marriage is far from perfect, we have bad days and tend to have to remind ourselves that the other is not the enemy. We have great days that make you look at the other and just know God knew you needed the other. We get impatient with the other (more me than him), we misunderstand the other, and somedays yes we take things for granted. We both know in previous marriages what was missing, what we didn't have that makes a marriage work. The big ingredient that makes you commit, stand, and fight for beyond what you thought you could and get more than you you deserved. This marriage, our marriage is dedicated to God, We built it on a firm foundation of friendship, so many prayers and it is deeply rooted in Christ. This is the ONLY way to make a marriage work. Believe me, if anyone knows its US!!
We had failed marriages. We invested the world into the marriages where we failed, we suffered and our children suffered. But, something we did with our marriage now is let go of the world and invite God into it. I've actually had someone have the audacity to ask me what qualifies you to give marriage advice to anyone you've been divorced? First, I am not claiming to be qualified for anything at all. I am not giving unsolicited advice to anyone. You ask and I will tell. You clicked on this blog, enter at our own risk. See, we both know exactly how to fail at marriage. Are we taking the blame for everything that went wrong in our marriages, absolutely not! We have however taken responsibility for our mistakes. These marriages couldn't be fixed or at least we didn't know how at the time.
Our marriage doesn't come without work. We work hard at it. We forgive a lot. We love each other a lot. We are on the same team. This is advice is for younger couples who are just starting out or maybe couples who are tired and are thinking about calling it quits. Well, don't! Give it more time. Commit and focus on the following...... These are in no specific order.
Date night. Every single week. Don't miss it. Even if it is a Mcdonald's value menu, a $6 Little Caesar's pizza in the car, or a packed picnic lunch. Do not miss it. When you can afford it do a staycation or weekend getaway, just the two of you.
Pray! Every. Single. Day. When you feel like it and when you don't. Pray for him and pray for yourself. Pray you are the spouse he needs and he is the spouse you need him to be. A spouse that glorifies God in your/their actions.
Intimacy is so important. Regardless if it is sexual intimacy or just deep intense communication. Agree on the number of times it is expected, required, or appreciated and stick to regardless of feelings, how tired you are or how busy you are. MAKE THE TIME!
Have children? Never put their needs in front of your marriage. Yes, if you have small children, by all means, please use common sense here.
Hold hands! Yes. Sounds simple but it works. In the car, sitting in church, when you pray, walking down the street, or just chilling on the couch. HOLD HANDS!
Talk! Communication is key. My husband is good at this, me not so much. I am a written communicator which easily gets misconstrued. Every single day, find a place and time to talk about anything, everything, and nothing.
Laugh often and together. We laugh a lot. Sometimes it is at the expense of the other. But, the laughter is there.
NEVER, and I mean NEVER talk bad about your spouse to anyone! Not, your parents, your children, sisters, friends, pastor, and for the love of all things NEVER ON SOCIAL MEDIA!
FORGIVE! Forgive wholeheartedly and often. This takes an agape kind of love to do. And, it's not easy sometimes.
NEVER and I mean NEVER have friendships of the opposite sex even on social media. When meeting with someone of the opposite sex for any reason have your husband with you.
Never and I mean never skip time with God. Do this every single day! No, it doesn't make your day perfect but it does make the way you deal with imperfect moments better.
TRUST! You have to trust your spouse. I have never in almost four years gone through my husband's phone, text messages, social media, emails, etc... Not because I don't have access because I do. He knows he is welcome to access mine too. If I talked to my ex for any reason he knows and vice versa. TRUST is KEY!
Marriages are hard, messy, chaotic, and take a lot to make them work. However, when you put in the work the rewards are so much sweeter. When I found myself divorced for the third time, I heard so many times that I would be punished, that God hates divorce, I just settled into my hellish eternal destination and sulked there. I received the same questions over and over. Then I didn't know how to answer because I didn't know what I know now.
Let me quickly address the next question I always get.
If divorce is so wrong and God hates divorce what makes it okay that you have been married to more than one man?
Yes, God Hates Divorce
God hates divorce. He hates it because it always involves unfaithfulness to the solemn covenant of marriage that two partners have entered into before Him, and because it brings harmful consequences to those partners and their children (Mal. 2:14-16). Divorce in the Scripture is permitted only because of man’s sin. Since divorce is only a concession to man’s sin and is not part of God’s original plan for marriage, all believers should hate divorce as God does and pursue it only when there is no other recourse. With God’s help, a marriage can survive the worst sins.
In Matthew 19:3-9, Christ teaches clearly that divorce is an accommodation to man’s sin that violates God’s original purpose for the intimate unity and permanence of the marriage bond (Gen. 2:24). He taught that God’s law allowed divorce only because of “hardness of heart” (Matt. 19:8). Legal divorce was a concession for the faithful partner due to the sexual sin or abandonment by the sinning partner so that the faithful partner was no longer bound to the marriage (Matt. 5:32; 19:9; 1 Cor. 7:12-15). Although Jesus did say that divorce is permitted in some situations, we must remember that His primary point in this discourse is to correct the Jews’ idea that they could divorce one another “for any cause at all” (Matt. 19:3), and to show them the gravity of pursuing a sinful divorce. Therefore, the believer should never consider divorce except in specific circumstances (see next section), and even in those circumstances, it should only be pursued reluctantly because there is no other recourse.
The Grounds for Divorce
The only New Testament grounds for divorce are sexual sin or desertion by an unbeliever. The first is found in Jesus’ use of the Greek word porneia (Matt. 5:32; 19:9). This is a general term that encompasses sexual sin such as adultery, homosexuality, bestiality, and incest. When one partner violates the unity and intimacy of marriage by sexual sin—and forsakes his or her covenant obligation—the faithful partner is placed in an extremely difficult situation. After all, means are exhausted to bring the sinning partner to repentance, the Bible permits release for the faithful partner through a divorce (Matt. 5:32; 1 Cor. 7:15).
The second reason for permitting a divorce is in cases where an unbelieving mate does not desire to live with his or her believing spouse (1 Cor. 7:12-15). Because “God has called us to peace” (v. 15), divorce is allowed and may be preferable in such situations. When an unbeliever desires to leave, trying to keep him or her in the marriage may only create greater tension and conflict. Also, if the unbeliever leaves the marital relationship permanently but is not willing to file for divorce, perhaps because of lifestyle, irresponsibility, or to avoid monetary obligations, then the believer is in an impossible situation of having legal and moral obligations that he or she cannot fulfill. Because “the brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases” (1 Cor. 7:15) and is therefore no longer obligated to remain married, the believer may file for divorce without fearing the displeasure of God.
According to 1 Corinthians 7:20-27, there is nothing in salvation that demands a particular social or marital status. The Apostle Paul, therefore, instructs believers to recognize that God providentially allows the circumstances they find themselves in when they come to Christ. If they were called while married, then they are not required to seek a divorce (even though divorce may be permitted on biblical grounds). If they were called while divorced and cannot be reconciled to their former spouse because that spouse is an unbeliever or is remarried, then they are free to either remain single or be remarried to another believer (1 Cor. 7:39; 2 Cor. 6:14).
Repentance and Forgiveness
In cases where the divorce took place on unbiblical grounds and the guilty partner later repents, the grace of God is operative at the point of repentance. A sign of true repentance will be a desire to implement 1 Corinthians 7:10-11, which would involve a willingness to pursue reconciliation with his or her former spouse if that is possible. If reconciliation is not possible, however, because the former spouse is an unbeliever or is remarried, then the forgiven believer could pursue another relationship under the careful guidance and counsel of church leadership.
In cases where a believer obtained a divorce on unbiblical grounds and remarried, he or she is guilty of the sin of adultery until that sin is confessed (Mark 10:11-12). God does forgive that sin immediately when repentance takes place, and there is nothing in Scripture to indicate anything other than that. From that point on the believer should continue in his or her current marriage.
So, in conclusion, we both know God is into forgiveness, mercy, grace, and restoration when true repentance has taken place. If this is your first marriage let God lead and direct you both first separately then as a couple. If this is not your first marriage, then a godly christ centered marriage is still obtainable. A great, happy, and imperfectly perfect marriage is still an option. I never thought God would restore me. My heart, my spirit and send me a marriage where the man I had been hurt as bad as I had been, a man who wanted to serve God the way I wanted to. So, don't let anyone for any reason steal what God has for you due to past marital mistakes, divorce(s), or anything else for that matter. God will heal and restore if you let him.
Hollie McCalip
Comments